Some of you will look at the above image and start doing joyous cartwheels around the room. Some of you will just see a poster for a local MMA card held at a county fair and say “I don’t get it.” And that’s because you haven’t been introduced to the prophetic glory of Dan Quinn.
For the unfamiliar, Quinn is a 4-4-1 professional fighter who’s had the dual honors of being choked out by Frank Mir and going three rounds with Jason Lambert. As a linebacker at Notre Dame, he once picked Iron Head Heywood out of the air at fourth and inches; it was, in Quinn’s estimation, the greatest stop in college football history. (Quinn was later kicked off the team amid allegations of sexual assault.) He once knocked out five men in one night at Juanita’s in Encinitas, California. He’s discovered the secret of weight loss and tumor-melting, via Stevia and cold fission. And oh yeah, he’s preparing for his first fight since a January ‘05 TKO loss to Dan Molina, and will be facing Dave Huckaba, who has knocked out Bo Cantrell twice, once in 26 seconds and once in five seconds.
But those are just facts, and statistics, and they don’t really tell the story of a man. To understand who Dan Quinn really is, you’ll have to watch his shirtless mirror-rants on YouTube.
This is how Quinn first came to our attention — a passionate call-out of Kimbo Slice in what appears to be a public bathroom, where Quinn predicts that if he and Kimbo were to ever share a prison cell, Kimbo would be the bitch; he also vows to become the richest motherfucker on the planet thanks to discovering the fountain of youth, promises Kimbo financial freedom as soon as the money starts rolling in, and fantasizes about sex with reporters.
Here’s Quinn revealing that he’s actually the angel Maitreya, a prophet sent to use cold fission and Stevia to end slavery forever; he gives us a glimpse of his pure H20 process; makes the wild claim that the Bad Boy Club logo was based on him; reminisces about how he regularly used to put Scott Smith on queer street; and talks us through the aspartame/bird flu connection.
Possibly the most important Quinn video of all: Our hero tells us about the childhood trauma that made him what he is today, and details the events that led up to him being in front of a mirror, talking to the Internet. It’s the Superhero origin story, so to speak. He also describes how Stevia melted 62 pounds and six tumors from his uncle’s body, and calls out Dana White, vowing to beat him to death.
And here’s his latest missive, posted yesterday, in which Quinn reveals that having women watch him fight gives him the power to finish any man with body shots, describes the matriarchal history of Earth, and sheds a little light on the assassination of Ernest Hemingway. (What, you thought it was a suicide? Please.)
You can watch the rest of Quinn’s video work here. He truly is a “Poet Warrior,” and we wish him the best against Huckaba on August 13th.
And Quinn, if you’re reading this, don’t be a stranger…holler and we’ll do an interview.
(Sean McClure, Jon Hatton and B.J. Santiago of the AFL: the dumbasses in question. Photo courtesy of americanfightleague.com.)
Okay, you want to talk delusional? Then read this wild-ass Bizlex.com profile of William “BJ” Santiago, CEO of the American Fight League, that was recently dug up by MMA Payout. You may remember the AFL as the upstart Kentucky-based fight club that just signed Tara LaRosa to a monumental $500,000+ four-fight deal, as well as ex pro-wrestler Bobby Lashley and possibly Kim Couture. Anyway, Santiago has big, big dreams, and doesn’t foresee any difficulties in paying for them. Witness:
In its first year, the group forecasts revenues between $15 million and $20 million. By 2009, the AFL plans to double those revenues. The group will have events in 12 to 15 states this year. Within two years, there will be an AFL event taking place every week somewhere in the country.
Both Santiago and Hatton attribute this success [Ed. note: you mean *will* attribute this *projected* success?] to the organization’s pursuit of two unique agendas: a minor league or grassroots style professional circuit and a positive public image campaign…
Veteran, credentialed fighters will tour throughout the country in any of the 33 states where fighting is legalized. Rankings, as well as matches, are determined based on earned points, with fighters also competing for a predetermined purse…
Amateurs and pro-rookies are given an opportunity to prove their worth in the grass roots system. This local or “farm” system allows fighters to gain experience and reputation based on a point system. Such a platform allows fighters to move up in the sport, Hatton said.
Let’s skip ahead a bit because the details only get more convoluted from there. Hey guys, how about other revenue streams?
They added Sean McClure, also from Lexington, as director of marketing and athlete liaison. McClure also looks to the merchandising side of the business, which he says will yield about $350,000 the first year, “as we develop the line,” and over $1 million by the second year. Merchandising will be different from the usual hats and t-shirts, including a corporate line of dress shirts and pants, as well as a possible line of jeans. Instructional and workout videos are also in the planning stages.
Does anyone else find it funny that instructional videos are still in the planning stages, but they’ve already got the AFL-brand dress pants thing locked down? Makes sense. To put their numbers in perspective, the IFL made $117,544 in branded merchandise sales last year, while Pro Elite made $184,192 in merchandise, DVDs, and licensing fees. But sure, the AFL is going to light up America to the tune of $350k on the strength of its collared shirts and premium denim. Here’s my little projection: BJ Santiago crying into his beer, Jay Larkin-style, less than 18 months from now.
There’s so much brilliance in this article that I really implore you to read the whole thing, but I’ll leave you with one last excerpt:
In Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fights, combatants use a series of martial arts including Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Krav Maga and traditional boxing, Hatton said. Athletes are usually expert in two to four of these arts and switch back and forth from one to another during a fight, he said.
In his first match at last weekend’s World Jiu-Jitsu Championships, Andre Galvao was paired up against someone who clearly wasn’t in his league. What followed was an unforgettably ridiculous display of grappling domination, in which Galvao turned the Mundials into his own personal And 1 Mixtape of jiu-jitsu. At the 1:09-1:17 and 1:42-1:56 marks he’s basically breakdancing on his opponent’s back, and we’d like to see more MMA fighters do the somersault guard-pass that Galvao pulls off at 1:35. Props to StoryLords.tv.
(Nate Marquardt knows he’s been point-deducted out of a victory and decides to have a little WWE-style fun at the end of his fight with Thales Leites on Saturday. Strangely, Herb Dean decides to let this one go. Image courtesy of this UG thread.)
Street-brawling YouTube sensation Kimbo Slice (real name: Kevin Ferguson) was arrested by Miami Beach cops in May 2002 on gun and open container charges. The felony weapons rap against Slice, 28 at the time, was eventually dismissed. He entered a no contest plea to the booze charge and was ordered to attend an alcohol education course. — TheSmokingGun, via the UG
I guess you could call this CagePotato’s first original highlight reel. We rounded up the most insane TV commercials starring MMA fighters and stuffed them into a single video for your convenience and enjoyment. Some of them are beloved classics; some you’ve probably never seen before. Noticeably absent are the unauthorized Fedor Emelianenko honey-drink spot (because we’d like to avoid any rude letters from Fedor’s lawyers), and the Rich Franklin “Xyience Teacher” commercial (because it seems to have disappeared from the Internet). But if we’ve left out any other good ones, shoot us some links in the comments section. As Randy Couture might say, “Oh, you’re gonna like this.”
Well, one more of these and it’s a full-blown epidemic. At King of the Cage “Opposing Force” on May 15th — just one day before Shaun Parker and Tyler Bryan exchanged simultaneous knockout punches at LFC 25 — Anthony Lapsley and Aaron Wetherspoon’s match also ended with both guys getting their lights turned out. Near the beginning of the second round, Lapsley cranked Wetherspoon with a perfect right straight, but clashed heads with his opponent on the way in. As they both hit the mat, referee Herb “I’m Getting Too Old for This Shit” Dean patiently waited for somebody to get up. Despite the fact that the dazed Lapsley immediately started making the “no mas” hand signal, the fight was ruled a no-contest.
I wish I could embed this — but you’ll have to click the picture above to see a “leaked” clip from this Wednesday’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter, in which C.B. Dollaway playfully kicks Rampage during a training session, which spurs Rampage to take his pants off and challenge Dollaway to a submission grappling match. We’ll just say that he should have kept his pants on, and that Nick Klein is a dead man.
Speaking of The Ultimate Fighter 7, the undercard for the season finale (June 21st, live at 9 p.m. ET on SpikeTV) has been officially announced. Right now, the lineup looks like this:
Evan Tanner vs. Kendall Grove
Diego Sanchez vs. Luigi Fioravanti
[match between the show’s two middleweight finalists]
Spencer Fisher vs. Jeremy Stephens
Josh Burkman vs. Dustin Hazelett
Marvin Eastman vs. Drew McFedries
Jeremy Horn vs. Dean Lister Matt Arroyo vs. TBA?
Rob Yundt vs. TBA?
Other bouts featuring the show’s castmembers are also expected to be included in the three-hour telecast. I’ll sell my third testicle if Dollaway isn’t involved.
Another must-see: Remember that thing about Kimbo Slice presenting at the CMAs on Sunday? Well, it was even more awkward and uncomfortable than we thought it would be. Vid is after the jump…click if you dare.
This morning we got a spam e-mail from the IFL imploring us to buy presale tickets to “IFL Summer Throwdown,” which goes down August 15th at the IZOD Center in the Meadowlands, New Jersey. And just as we were about to hit the delete button, we saw this at the bottom:
The night will also feature the world debut of “The HEX,†the IFL’s brand new six-sided ring. This is the future fighting surface for all of MMA. To introduce this new era in fighting, the IFL Summer Throwdown fight card will present the most explosive Mixed Martial Arts action the East Coast has ever seen!
Ho. Lee. Shit.
Merriam-Webster defines “hex” as a “jinx” (in its noun form), or “to affect as if by an evil spell” (in its verb form), which is astoundingly appropriate considering how cursed the IFL is. This is their response to public disinterest? A six-sided ring!? As we saw last week, IFL CEO Jay Larkin believes that since MMA fans haven’t taken to their events, we all must be Affliction-wearing, Xyience-swilling jokers who care more about light shows and dancing girls than high-level mixed martial arts competition. (The rebuttal to that misguided viewpoint is long and complex, and is expressed in the analysis and comments in the original post.)
So, my first thought was wow, what an idiot. Doesn’t Larkin know that gimmicky ring surfaces are the tool of the desperate and creatively bereft? American MMA fans don’t respond well to the ring, so the answer is to give them a different, more fucked-up ring? Really?
But now I’m starting to think that the “HEX” is Larkin’s final “Kiss My Ass” to all of us.
…backstage at PRIDE Total Elimination 2004, directly after being subbed by Fedor Emelianenko via armbar. Lovely bit of behind-the-scenes MMA history, with Kevin Randleman and Fedor making plans to drink some vodka at the end. Props to MMAScraps for the find. (Audio NSFW.)
